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Abusive relationships

The family history of my parents, several observations and the secrets I heard from my friends, later – articles and media attention got me thinking about the nature of abuse in a relationship. There is a lot of research done on this subject, and there are also some dangerous statistics: at least, one women in three will be abused in a relationship, and the majority of them will fall into college students' category. There are also statistics for men, affecting one in seven.


Sometimes young (and not only) people do not even realize that they are in an abusive bond.  Often times, even abusers do not understand what they are doing, and how they are hurting their significant other. 


Do you feel depressed a lot? Scared? Isolated from friends and family? Find yourself changing your style influenced by another person’s pressure? Do you give in to unreasonable demands? Do you constantly have to respond to attacks of a loved one? Do you hide some whereabouts from her/him? Have you ever had a physical fight (hitting, punching, shoving, and throwing? Note, punching objects around also counts). If you answered “yes” to at least two questions, you might have an abusive partner.


Are you extremely controlling of your mate? Do you think you own him/her? Did you ever dare hitting or scaring your partner? Do you often manipulate, or play your mate’s feelings? Criticize a lot? Prohibit some things?  Did you see your parents fighting or abusing substances when you were growing up? I am sorry to say this, but you may act as an abuser.


In college, we learn many things. Sometimes, we discover stuff that not many people like to admit about themselves.  If you are a victim in a relationship, and you're scared of your partner’s inadequate responses to some regular and usual events in life – break it.  Do not stay isolated, tell someone about your concerns. Abusers often try to isolate their victim, and they are jealous a lot and very demanding. They might require you to wear certain clothes, change eating habits, and send you off to the gym to lose weight by calling you ugly. They will try to lower your self-esteem. Often times, they will drag you into a vicious circle of abuse: ugly fight - apologies involving promises “never again”-good period to calm you down and lose your guard-ugly fight escalating. 


In this case – find help urgently, leave this relationship, and do not look back. Do not give in to threats or promises of suicide. Call the police, notify parents. The more people know – the better for your own safety.


Abusers, go for counseling, reach out for help, and go through anger management. Usually, it happens because of some childhood trauma – figure out what it was and do not be so insecure. After all, the abuse may and will ruin your life eventually. You may end up behind bars. If you suspect your partner cheating – ask. If there is an adultery, leave. You do not like the way your girlfriend looks? Why are you even there, if this is such a big deal to you? Leave, find someone who fits your criteria. It's as simple as that. College is a place and time to discover and date.


Girls, do not wait until things escalate. Always watch out for the red flags. Abusers mask it perfectly out in the people, but look for them in private setting. The reason why am I addressing girls is that they are abused more often than men.




iracquel's picture

This is a must read post for everyone

This post is a must-read for everyone. Anyone can go through an abusive relationship, and it is absolutely not predictable who will undergo the torment of an abusive relationship. One thing that needs to be emphasized for people in such relationships is that they do not deserve to be treated in the manner, that they are being treated.

Anyone in an abusive relationship needs to realize that they have a right to be treated well in any relationship they are in. As such, it is advisable for any person in an abusive relationship to take action and responsibility for their own safety because their well-being depends on themselves. Love is no excuse to endure whatever form of abuse in a relationship, and everyone should understand this. A person who loves you will definitely not treat you in an abusive manner but instead will be there to protect you.

If you are in a relationship, and you have experienced any form of abuse, take to your heels as fast as possible. How sure can you be that the person who abused you and apologized will not do the same thing again? Be wise and protect yourself from any form of abuse. Your happiness and your well-being lie in your hands.

rosescented's picture

Right on.

This is such an important topic! Abuse can happen in college and anytime in life. I personally have never been in an abusive romantic relationship, but I live with a couple that is in one. It's a sick sad thing to see. I totally appreciate how you show the complexities of abuse. Even though the abuser has a serious problem, it doesn't mean that person should be demonized as a human being - just for their abusive actions. And I think anger management or therapy can help quite a bit. I think it just has to be a matter of the abuser realizing that her, or she has a problem and then believing that it's serious enough to try to get help.

And people that are abused can obviously have serious ramifications. I think, if it's doable, that abuses should get into some kind of therapy too, so that they can try to prevent falling into another abusive relationship. The abuses in the couple I live with has been in two abusive relationships before this one. Awareness and a love for one's self are key to breaking bad cycles like that.

Anyway, I love that you're bringing awareness to this topic. Thank you so much for that!

Tomochka's picture

No one made you hit me!

Iracquel and rosescented, you are right! Abusers often use a phrase such as “You made me do it” that is a bull! We are people living in a society with certain boundaries. Never ever, one person “makes” his or her partner disrespect and humiliates another. It is definitely not a reason to get in to a physical fight or punish by mind games. No one has a right to hit you or scare you, just as much as you should not be doing it towards anyone else too.

There is a good chance that children growing up in a family with domestic abuse physical or emotional) will end up abusers themselves (because that is the way for them to stay out of being abused  - sort of a protective “offense is better than defense” thing), or will be abused again in their future relationships. I am not even mentioning various kinds of other abuses related disorders, fears, and dysfunctions. I think we should all pause for a second and think about the way we are treated and how we treat others. Manipulation? Scare tactics? Unreasonable limitations? Blame games? We are all still young, why settle for an unhealthy relationship? We can still change it. Therapy definitely works.

Tomochka's picture

And you are welcome:)

And you are welcome:)

rachelsholiday's picture


This is such an important topic to touch on!  Having been in an abusive relationship in the past, I can personally attest to how important it is to talk about these things so that you know what the warning signs are.

I know that being in an abusive relationship can be hard.  It can also be very scary.  As a person in college, you want to believe that you are smart and capable (and you most certainly are.)  You tell yourself that you’re way too smart to be duped into being with an abusive partner.  Unfortunately, abusers are smart too.  They don’t start out by throwing you down a flight of stairs.  They start out by saying, “You look fat in those jeans.”  It’s a very subtle and insidious thing.

So, when your friends and family start saying that your partner is abusive, it’s really important to believe them!  I know exactly how it is.  You’re in too deep, and you don’t want to see that what is happening is really harming you.

However, it can be pretty tricky.  There’s a fine line (most times) to just joking around and an actual abuse.  For example, my partner and I now joke around all the time saying stuff like “Your face is silly,” “Oh yeah, well your mom is silly.”  Super mature, I know.  But if that started to bother me, I know I could say, “Hey, all these ‘your face’ jokes are really starting to bother me.  Could we stop making them?” I know that it would stop.  If your partner refuses to stop something, even if it bothers you a lot, then you should probably get out of there.

amjmusic's picture

I am so glad you have chosen

I am so glad you have chosen to write a blog on this topic. I have seen far too many people in my life end up in an abusive relationship. Many of these people in my life did not realize how bad their situation really was. Some blamed themselves for how their partner was acting. It's not your fault and I cannot stress that enough. If the questions presented to you in this article made you even the least bit suspicious about what kind of relationship you are truly in, you need to ask a third person for guidance and help. Abusive relationships are absolutely no joke and in the very worst cases, people end up dead. If your partner has an anger management problem, it's essential for you to get them help or ask them to find other way of coping with their anger instead of putting you down; the one they claim to love. If they love you and care about your feelings, they will find help. If your partner refuses, then you need to leave. I know it will be hard because you love them, however, it is not worth the risk at all. A girl I went to high school with was in an abusive relationship. Everyone saw how controlling her boyfriend was but she insisted that he was just stressed out from family matters. She told everyone that she feels bad for him and she didn't want to make his situation worse. You know what happened? He choked her to death in a hotel room right after she graduated. She never got to experience the college life. She never got to pursue her dreams. 

You need to be aware of what kind of relationship you are in. Ask yourself those questions and be honest. Are you in a healthy relationship? Or are you being abused? 

hellomath's picture



Relationships… many guys above the age of 18 have been in a relationship before at some point in their life. When you are in a relationship, you feel that you are with the right guy or girl, that there can’t be anyone else out there like him or her until you remember that you are in college and there are lots of girls and guys who just want to have fun. This post will touch in on why college relationship is not the best way to go and in the next post I will touch in on what I think a guy or girl can do to make a college relationship successful.

It’s your first day in college, lots of girls, and your hormone is running wild and the only thing on your mind if you are a guy is girls, alcohol, parties and SEX. You no longer have curfews put in place by your parents when you were in high school. You can stay out for as long as you want wherever you want to. In general, you are free and you want to remain free and this is the first main reason why relationship cannot be successful in college. Every Friday night is different parties fill with girls who are most likely looking for a guy to have fun with. Having a girlfriend will do a lot of things to you. First, you will feel restricted; almost like you are not allowed to have fun… which is completely the opposite of what you want. Second, you’ll have to turn down a lot of party invitation by friends who are probably going to get amped by a girl by the end of the night. It’s hard to watch your friends get amped knowing you can’t have fun the way they are. Finally, after a while you will get fed up and do what a lot of guys and girls do nowadays, cheat on your partner. 

hellomath's picture

how to make your relationship work in college


Making college relationship work out is not an easy thing to do. This is even harder in college where the female percentage is higher than male percentage. For some it’s impossible to hold a relationship while in college for others it is really easy to do. Well I think it might be possible if my assumptions are right. Before we go on to talk about how to hold a college relationship, I think it’s important to point out what both guys and girls are looking for in a relationship.

Guys in general want a girl they can trust and won’t ask them every second about their whereabouts. They want a girl who can watch a football or soccer game with them on Saturdays and Sundays. Girls on the other hand want some of the stuff that guys want including trust. They also want to be seen with their boyfriend a lot in public, they want to have his attention 24/7 and listen to their female problems. These are off course a portion of the entire list that both guys and girls are looking for in a relationship. With all this wants, how can one hold a college relationship? The answer to that question is so simple. Just have an open relationship with your girl. You guys need to cross out all commitments; because you know…you have to do college work like home works and prepping for that big exam coming up and party. You must come to agree that it is okay to see other people knowing you guys still have feelings for each other. That might not sound like a solution but I personally think it’s a solution that will allow both partners to avoid doing things they will end up regretting like cheating.

Jay Pineda's picture

Abuse. I never thought there

Abuse. I never thought there could be this type of abuse when it comes to relationships. I never realized that the things you mentioned like someone telling you what to wear, what to do, pressuring you to lose weight and being pushed to follow a person's very unreasonable demands. I believe that most of the time, abused people are blinded by their affection or love to the person who is being abusive. I am glad that you have created this blog post because this can serve as a wake up call to all the abused persons. Well not only to them, but to all those who are in a relationship right now or to those planning to be in a relationship. This is a wake up call for everyone. We should all be aware that acts like the ones you have stated are already abusive. So now that we are aware of this, I believe that if we know someone who is being abused, we should make an initiative tap them and make them realize that they are already being abused. I know that many are being abused right now and I know that we can help even just by telling them that they are being abused. This way, then can weigh things and make adjustments and/or decisions.


simona-ioana's picture


For some people being molested became a lifestyle. If they do not get their daily share of slaps or fists, they feel like they did something wrong. When you are young you might find it very difficult to get out of a relationship like that. You might think that your partner is going to hunt you down and beat you even worse. You could find some witnesses and go to the police. They will arrest him and you could also get a restraining order. Don’t let the person by your side, who was supposed to love and protect you treat you like an animal. I know that even animals are not treated like that.
If you don’t put an end to an abusive relationships as soon as it starts, you will find yourself in the middle of the routine. You will also marry that person and you will have abused children. Do you really want that? You will have to think that no matter what the other person gives you in exchange for beating you, is more important than your own health and life. Abusive relationships are more that fetishes, are facts of life and many times of death.
Think about your future, and think about how many people will take your advice and leave their abusive spouses.